The Journey Part I - Reclaim Your Heart.

Hey there, thanks for clicking. I have spent the past year trying to put into words the road that got me to where I am today. From the battle with my own mental health and my inner demons, to passing Law School and becoming a Barrister, this voyage has had its twists and turns, but it’s not the destination, but the journey itself that really matters. So welcome to my story, a story of hope.

Part I

The Intro

My adventure into the Legal World began at Essex University, my time there not only taught me our system but how to argue for a better one, to believe that through the Law, change was possible. All I ever witnessed growing up was injustice, and I wanted to be an agent of change, to bring fairness to the world, to help usher in a new world. With that dream over my horizon and with conviction in my heart I went to work. From the soaring mountains of Venezuela to the rolling hills of the far East, working in human rights and social justice I began my journey, my destiny.

Representing those without a voice, fighting the good fight, being what I thought was a vessel of change within an ocean of opportunity. And that ocean was breathtakingly beautiful, the spellbinding waves brought with it new experiences, a fulfilling purpose and remarkable humans who inspired hope within me. But that same ocean proved deadly, the same waves that brought me such fulfilment just as effortlessly took it all away.

The fourth of April 2018. I receive a call around seven-thirty, I had found out I lost my first case. A victim of vicious sexual assault and truly horrific torture fled her home in search of a better life. Her case was rejected because there were slight inconsistencies with her account of the events. She was returned home, and I’ve never heard from her again, but I know what happened.

The eighth of May. The refugee family I was supporting in the Middle East with their asylum claim went missing, supposedly their boat never arrived on shore. Lost at sea, presumed dead. They were a really great family, so kind and hopeful. They had a little son Ali, he just had his second birthday, I used to hear his sweet, innocent laugh at the end of some phone calls.

I miss that.

We ended up losing a lot of cases. There was so much loss, so much hurt, so much hate, and I was powerless to change it. Evidential burdens and nonsensical procedures and attitudes were killing these people, human beings, and no one seemed to care. It seemed our world has truly given up on our most vulnerable, the most in need of help, leaving them alone, scared, but they were still hopeful, of something. And if you have this much hope in the world, in yourself, that your life can be better, how can I do anything but my best to help you in that. But sometimes I feel like I did more harm than good, I was giving hope to the hopeful, only for them to lose it all in the end.

A cruel end.

To really make a difference, to really make that change, to bring about this new world I was yearning for, I had to go to Law School and return as a Barrister, then I could really help these people. The world may have given up on them, but not me. Full of hope I charged headlong into the horizon, over the mountains I climbed, my heart full of righteousness. Truly reaching my potential, my peak; a young man gets everything he goes and chases and I got everything I ever prayed for. And I have prayed for this world to get better, so it must come true. Working up to four jobs and sixty-hour work weeks at a time, studying in the precious moments spare. Except no matter how far I voyaged towards the horizon, the light kept getting further away.

The Eye of the Storm

Law School was brutal, the work ruthless and the circumstances I dealt with merciless. It slowly consumed all aspects of my life, I had to cut back on friends, family, and my career, locking myself away to head towards the finish line. I was making it over the horizon, I was making things right. The pandemic was upon us and the world stood still, except I had to keep moving. But how could I when death was all around me, but death never left. Everyday, another friend, another member of family lost to the virus, another funeral online, and I felt powerless.

Powerless to change the world. Everyday the skies darkened, injustice and hatred were the only things to rise, the world slowly falling into shadow. But I had to keep going. I always had to keep going. Waiting for that blessed day when we could reach the light over the horizon, when better days were coming. Waiting. Hoping. Dreaming. Even if my hope for a better world began to fade, I would always have hope in myself. I could be the good, be the change, if I could just reach the summit, if I could just make it through Law School.

But I was hurting. The pain would be worth it though, on that blessed day I will look back on it all and smile, I just had to be patient, my time was coming. So battered and bruised I marched on, I had to. I could still help others. I could still be there for others. Be the hope and light on this heartrending earth, the world needs it, the world needs me. But my determination to bring us to this promise land made me blind to the fact that my self-righteousness was leading towards my self-destruction. I guess that’s what happens when you get caught up chasing lightning, you get lost in the storms.

The Fall

The tenth of July 2020. Results day. There are few days in my life I remember so clearly, so vividly, every inconspicuous detail. The collective result of two years, thousands of pounds, hours of studying, sleepless nights and social reclusion all came down to this moment. This day I would finally reach the summit, I will face the horizon, bask in its sunlight, and shine beyond.

But there was no light over the horizon, but the cruel darkness of the storm.

Because I had failed.

And I had fallen.

And with my collapse I succumbed to the sea, towards the abyss, drowning in my own despair.

I had let everyone down, I had let the whole world down, and I despised that, and I despised myself for it. I was given such a gift, a divine blessing, a chance to make a better world. A divine curse, a chance to be crushed under a mountain of pressure.

The honeyed words of becoming a saviour, a hero this world needed, that sweet melody I was so drawn to, noble deeds whispering in my heart, setting it ablaze to extinguish the hatred of this world, but I couldn’t tame its fire. I thought I would always be there fighting, but I was beaten, broken.

My greatest shame, my ultimate disappointment, my final failure.

Life became pointless, my purpose doused in the storm, my very existence meaningless. Eating, sleeping, surviving, I didn’t see the need in any of it because I hated every minute of it. I was hurting, an eternal, everlasting, excruciating ache eating me alive. I had no control over the measures of my life I wanted to change, so I refused to acknowledge the parts I could, because they didn’t matter to me. The water was rising, and I too tired to swim.

I tried to see it from the other side. Life is full of failures, failure is what makes winners, some have to fail for others to win, maybe it’s not my path, nor my journey, maybe someone else can do it, maybe someone else will do it, I should just be happy with what I have, but I just couldn’t make myself believe it. Because that failure always stuck with me, poisoning me, killing me.

That feeling. That fucking feeling man. It takes you, consumes you, overpowers everything beautiful inside you, leaving nothing but emptiness in its wake.

And here I was lying powerless on the ocean floor in the abyss of night. And this darkness is not like the night sky, which can shine with the white light from the moon and the stars. No. This darkness was inside me. It plotted, whispered, seeped into my soul and drained my spirit. It robbed everything from me, and I couldn’t take it any longer.

It felt like I had lived this story for a thousand years and I was yearning for peace. To finally rest. Rest with those fallen of broken hearts and minds, that I died yearning and longing, rather than live weary and despairing. Because I have seen the pain and heard the cries of those yearning and longing, sweeter than the sweetest of melodies. A beautiful kind of pain.

Maybe I wasn’t meant for this world. Maybe this world can’t be saved, or at least by me. I’m nothing special, clearly. Nothing but a hopeless failure. Maybe this world would be better off without people like me.

I thought my code, my inner Law, and my principles were one thing that couldn’t be broken, even if the law failed me, even if the system failed me, I, would never fail me. So desperate to prove that some order existed within me, that I let it entrap me. My inner demons the jailor, the ocean my punishment, imprisoned within my own mind, a prisoner to my own thoughts.

Why couldn’t I just find some meaning in this madness? Because why are we here. To work and scrape by with this incomplete, imperfect existence just to survive in this living hell, with all its cruelty and malice.

Where the good die and the bad live on, with more wealth and power than ever before like Kings. What ever happened to those stories we were told as kids. Where you could be anything you ever wanted if you just gave it your all. That things would work out in the end. Where the good guy wins. Where there was a happy ending. Where was my happy ending?

But I guess that is why they are just stories, for hopeful fools like me.

I wanted to be anywhere but here, but this worldly life was keeping my soul from returning home, and without a purpose there was no reason for me to stay. Guilty of my failures, and my penance was death. At least if I die, I will go out on my terms. The only thing I can really control in this warped existence that is life, this waking nightmare. So let’s pop those pills and drown these bottles. Today may be my lucky day to finally see the other side. They say the grass is greener over there, and I’ve forgotten what colour looks like.

And I really got close a few times, I was ready to let go, ready to finally rest. Every waking moment I waited for that blessed day. The day it got better, but it never came. I was desperate for that light to come to me, just a glimpse over the horizon, even for a second. A single beam to come and save me. But the light I was looking for can’t reach the bottom of the ocean, there was no light where I was. No one was going to save me; nothing was going to save me.

Finding Your Light

I had nothing left to live for. And even with my dying breathes I was still waiting for that change, at my world’s end waiting for something, anything. But I was totally lost in the darkness. Lost. But not alone.

Because in that darkness, deep beneath all the pain and through all the hurt, in that abyss, there was something in me, something that kept going.

Because my heart still beat.

Deep down, there was a part of me that didn’t want to end it all, a flicker, I just couldn’t see it, or maybe I didn’t want to, because how could there still be anything inside me that was still hopeful, that there was still something worth fighting for, that it didn’t have to end here, that I didn’t have to end here.

Because I am still here.

Because I am still breathing.

There is still life in me.

There is still good in me.

Because this dark place is not the end my friend. The darkness of night precedes the dawn, and so even this darkness must pass.

And behind the shadow of the storms there will be a clearing, with every tear shed a cleansing, with every scar a healing. Behind every sunset a sunrise, and with it a golden symphony so beautiful that it will shine out the clearer. A new day will come.

And as long as my heart beats, I have something. This story is not over. I still believed. That I was someone worth saving. That I had something to fight for. That I was someone to fight for. Because there is good in this world, there is hope, and there is light, and they are the only things worth fighting for.

I am not going to be another statistic. Another lost soul who dreamt of a better world but gave up, my story will not end like that. I will not end like that. I have so much to live for and I will see how this story ends. And it is not drowning at the bottom of the ocean, in the abyss of shadow.

Reclaim Your Heart

And when I saw the light in myself, once it began to glow, emanating in the darkness, it shed light to a long, forgotten world, a whole new world. My spirit baptised by the abyss, my soul cleansed by the storms, my heart, born anew from the deepest depths of the ocean and all because I chose to live.

And I’m still alive.

Still breathing.

I really made it man.

No longer afraid of the journey, of the road ahead. I began to see the world and the beauty within. I could see the good again, in each and every thing no matter how small it may seem.

Because we each have a star, all we have to do is find it, and once we do, and once we embrace it, everyone who sees it will be blinded, and we will shine.

We hold that key to our own freedom, and I have finally unlocked the greatest treasure of all. And with that newfound light I found myself again. That beautiful smiling human I remember. The one who gave it his all for his friends and family, who always tries his best, who stormed through the fires of hell and the depths of the deepest oceans and came out the other side still fucking smiling. How could I not love a guy like that? And I think I may finally do. Because that boy will always fight for what he believes in, and he will continue that fight, and one day, God willing, he will finish that fight.

Because this world can never take my soul, it can’t stop me from doing good, it can take everything away from me, because it did, and I’m still here, still breathing, still hoping for some good and still fighting for a better world. And if my heart doesn’t belong in this world, then there is nothing in it that could break it. And when you are free inside, when you are liberated, you can truly never lose your freedom.

So lose yourself. Lose yourself in the abyss. Because in the darkness you will find your light. Lose yourself in the storms. For the lightning and thunder will shake you to your very core. Lose yourself in the sea. For the endless tide will consume you. Lose yourself. For you will find everything you have been searching for. Free yourself from the shackles of this life and roam free.

Lose Yourself.

Because this man lost himself, but through the lightning and the storms he overcame his demons and his greatest fears and everlasting failures, of not being good enough, of not being able to save this world, who he could’ve been, who he was destined to be. Because through the fire and the sea he rose golden.

A Prince Rises.

Even the harsh waters of the seas become vapour. They rise and cloud. And the clouds will meet the breeze then too will fall weeping to the fields and valleys over yonder. And so to can our spirit rise and pass over the clouds of sorrow, over the storms of tomorrow, and the plains of hardship, to meet the breeze of death.

So rise. Rise above the prison of the ocean and rise above your demons. Rise up to your freedom and leave death behind you. Rise, and charge headlong into the abyss, dance in the darkness and march into the madness. Rise, with fear in your eyes and pain in your hearts like the phoenix born anew in the ashes of sorrow.

Rise.

Shine your light onto this world. And I will stand there by your side. But if this fleeting life has taught me anything is that we cannot do it all on our own-some. We need each other. So, here is my plea, Lord hear my prayer, and listen to this Call.

Fight.

Fight for yourselves and fight for this world, because humanity is always worth fighting for. Never give up on it, even on your darkest days you can still live, you can still love, you can, and you will get better.

Because the darkest nights make the brightest stars, and when the time is upon you, and it is your moment to shine, you will be astounded by your own beauty, your own light. It is truly the most amazing thing you will experience; you will be happy again; you will smile again.

Trust me. Trust yourself. I wholeheartedly promise you these days will get better and brighter, and you will shine out the clearer. Just believe in yourself, because for what it’s worth, I do. You’re never alone in this world, you matter, and you will rise.

The End of Part I

I guess that young man did get everything he ever wanted, everything he went and chased. But what he realised was what he wanted and what he needed were two very different things. It was only at his end when he finally understood. Always working his hardest to make sure he would be the man when he died, a legacy he could be proud of, even if it all ended at 25. But the journey is not over, far from it friends. For now, we march, we delve deep back into the darkness, into the clutches of our own minds, to come out the other side. Part II – The Battle of the Mind awaits. I will see you there, but for now take care, and God bless.