The Journey Part III - Awaken the Soul.

Hey again, we really should stop meeting like this. If this is the first time maybe check out Part I and Part II before reading on, otherwise welcome to Part III, ‘Awaken the Soul.’ We have spent most of our time looking at how life went so wrong, so let’s have a look at how it’s going right, moving past the darkness and into the light.

Because after going through so much, how can anyone go back to the way we were when so much bad has happened, how can we ever be ourselves again? Truth is we can’t, but that’s not a bad thing, because we can be better. This part of the journey takes us through my own recovery, how I began to change my life, to work for me, where I could be happy again.

Prologue

The Awakening… Continued

I knew first I had to change my environment, so for my own good I took a step back from the Law, my dreams of being a Barrister had to be put on hold. I knew I could retake it and muster the strength to pass, but I also knew it would kill me in the process, and for the first time I wasn’t OK with that. I wanted to live, and that begins with empowering myself, taking my life back into my hands, taking a new course and sailing into an entirely new direction.

Life put me in a position where I wanted to give up and let go. I was left with two choices, either admit to myself that I was powerless to this situation, that life has screwed me and there’s nothing I can do about that, or, that my life was in my hands, and it always has been. I chose the latter, because once I accepted that, there was something in my power to finally change it. I had to let go of the things that are making me feel like it was all over. The mountains I had been carrying I was only supposed to climb.

Part III

Reconnection of the Body

Rise. Breathe. Stand up, out of bed, off the sofa, just get up.

The first step was just getting up and doing something, because something is better than nothing. I started small; I cleaned my room. Brushing your teeth for 30 seconds is better than not brushing them when those two minutes seems exhausting. Having some sweets is better than having not eaten in two days, looking out your window is worth it after staring at screens for three days straight. Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.

I needed my solitude. I needed to be away from the world to fall in love with it all over again. To cleanse my darkening view on humanity, to rekindle my own hope, to see the world with a genuine smile again, with resolve in my heart and light in my soul.

I searched for those things I used to love, what I use to enjoy before it all went bad, what made me happy, and I absolutely rinsed the fuck out of it. Gaming. I loved it as a kid, especially role-playing games. I got to live in my dream world, where I was the hero of my own story, and I had the perfect game I never got round to. The Witcher III.

A man who wasn’t perfect, but was trying to do good, torn between his purpose and his destiny, in a world where there are no perfect endings, and every action has a consequence. I finished it in a month. DLC’s too. And through that game I began to process a lot of what I had been through, trying to understand what happened, and who I was, and what I was missing, and before you know it, I was ready to reconnect with the world again.

Reconnection with Nature

And that started with mother nature. I started slow, brief walks outside, just getting some ‘sun’ (cloudy grey English overcast)*. Lockdown prevented many of us from connecting with the natural world, and I thrived when travelling and exploring this beautiful earth around us, I really missed it, but I also took it for granted.

During the lockdown thankfully we had a large garden, so I would spend hours outside. Not just gardening though (and by gardening, I mean my Mum yelling at me to dig holes of various sizes), I would just look around. I would sometimes spend hours just looking at a tree, nothing special about it, just a tree. But you really do see nature at work, you notice the little things, you see nature heal from the harshness of winter with the blossoms of spring. It took the spotlight away from myself, out of my head and into this big crazy world.

What I began to understand was my actions directly affected the world around me, the entire garden was affected by my work, it blossomed and grew with my intervention, but it would have survived without it too. My role may change the outcome, but it was not reliant on my intervention.

There’s always a bigger picture, and I’m starting to see that.

The Routine

After the first few weeks I made a routine. I would wake up to the sunrise, the first month was brutal, I started with motivational/inspirational videos or music just to get me out of bed, and then I would hit the weights. With work or study taking up most of my time previously, I had to give time to myself, time I invested and worked on myself, free from the noise of this world.

I would try to meditate a few times a day, just a few minutes, breathing, being out of my head and into the world around me, there’s a certain peace I got from it, a stillness, like a natural high.

After work I break up my evenings, never dedicating my whole evening to one recreational activity, because I need balance. I opted for some reading, television, cardio, and cooking.

I take breaks, because I know my own limits now. I choose the day my body rests, rather than my body choosing it for me.

And this routine grounded me, built solid foundations around me so I couldn’t fall, because my next step would be the riskiest.

The Seduction of Intoxication

I got clean, from everything. You think the intoxicants of this world help, because that’s how they’re branded, miracle pills and solutions that make all the pain and hurt go away, and you so desperately want it to go away. Like it dissolves the inner conflict between my own desire to make a difference and the reality of my life.

But they never cured the pain, they never healed my heart or shed light to my soul. They just postponed the hurt, an artificial and manufactured sense of normality, a little bit of respite, a moment where I could be safe. But that safety was an escape from reality. Because I wanted to be away, to another place, another time, another world, anywhere but here. I knew I was a part of this world but I didn’t want to be. But we cannot escape this world, we are bound to it even in death. So I began to accept the world for what it was.

And I was ready for the next step. To enter this world again.

Reconnection with Society

After a few months and over 200 job applications later I started a new job! Having spent three years in the customer service industry from being an international human rights caseworker was hard, I felt as if I was a meaningless cog in a broken machine, with no direction or career path for the first time in my life. Having a job that aligns with my values is something I now cherish, even if the job has its ups and downs, and they all have their ups and downs. Time without purpose is a prison, and I’m no longer its prisoner.

I tried to make an effort within my friendship groups, I started with those closest to me first, the one’s I’ve probably neglected the past years. I reached out to the people in my life who never let me settle, who I could always count on, who pushed me forward and encouraged me to rise through thick and thin, who nourished and spoke life into me, who loved my spirit and gave light to my soul. (Not to say any of my friends who are reading this that I haven’t spoken to don’t, I’ve just been a little busy, sorry!)

I became more active on social media, but this time I made it work for me. I cleansed my timelines of anything that didn’t benefit me, whether it made me feel worthless, envious, and most importantly hopeless. I follow causes and news that I am interested in, both good and bad, because I can’t fight every cause out there, so I choose the one’s I can.

And things started to get better. I started to have more energy again, and I put it to use. I wrote. A lot. As you can probably tell.

You know these blogs were 40,000 words six months ago? That’s how much I really had to say, so be thankful you only have to suffer through this. But by doing that, by typing these words, I was being released into something bigger than myself, I found some release from the pain, a way for me to express myself, because here they are, just words on a screen. And when I wrote down my thoughts, I followed the source of a lot of my pain and despair, it helped rationalise it all, almost like a roadmap to the light.

I began to really look at myself critically, challenge my own ideals and principles, and finally acknowledged that I had a flawed perception on reality, and I wanted to be better.

Awaken the Soul

I stopped thinking of myself as some sort of hero, an unrealistic fantasy instead of my own reality. That saviour complex I began to dismantle, because it forced me to focus on others’ opinions of me, my own self-worth dependent on how many people I could help or what good I could do that day, justifying my own existence. The only person I needed to help was me. The only opinion I should’ve cared for was my own.

And with that I understood that it’s not my job to change people, or even this world, to impose my values on others, who am I to tell you what is good and bad, what to do with your life, and how to feel? And when I no longer imposed my moral values on this world, it doesn’t look so grey.

I used to think hardening my heart will guard me from the pain, but now I choose to embrace it, because it comes from a good place. It’s like an open book, torn open by my own story, and those wounds let the light in and my soul shines through, and I really love that about myself.

I learnt to embrace even my sorrowful thoughts, something I couldn’t imagine before, and is something I can’t believe I have never done until now, because they cleansed the house of my heart anew. Scattered the withered leaves and pulled out the overgrown roots, preparing myself for new life to grow. What sorrow takes away; it replenishes with something you could have never imagined.

I still give myself a hard time, because I still care about this world deeply, and I hated that I cared so deeply about every little thing, because hate will make you conscious, and it’s love that makes you grow. I understand now that life will have its ups and downs, but the downs I work through with that love and support, it’s manageable, and the highs I appreciate and cherish. I still make mistakes, but I keep more of the promises I make to myself. I’m kinder to myself. I am no longer a prisoner to my past, it was just a lesson, and not a life sentence.

And with that, I was finally ready to go back to Law School and face those exams again.

This time it would be different.

Because this time I smashed it out the mother-fucking park.

I would go on to receive a Distinction (my highest grade ever in academia) in my Masters Dissertation too, looking at the current issues in the UK’s asylum system today.

But to me this journey was no longer about Law School, it was something much bigger, it was a journey of life, and Law School was just another stop, it was never the destination.

The Search for Meaning

Because life is all about the small things. That feeling you get from doing what you love, the first bite of your favourite meal, that film or anime you can’t stop thinking about days after you’ve watched it, or that album or book that you always go back to. A collection of small, timeless memories and experiences and not large, life changing events.

And I have to embrace both the good and the bad, the dark and the light, and accepting that is true freedom, liberation from my own fear. The world will always change and expecting it to adhere to my definition of ‘perfect’ will never work. Because the perfection I was seeking doesn’t exist in this world, I was giving my life away to a destination I could never reach. I had to release the idea that perfection is a destination somewhere else, because otherwise it will never be where I am now.

Now I choose to look at perfection within, even with all my flaws and all my sins, they still do not define me and they do not own me, but they are a part of me, and even they are perfect, because they are mine, imperfectly perfect.

And now I no longer seek perfection from the world around me, you know what I think I’m actually happy. Because there is no better feeling then waking up excited about what a new day may bring, I didn’t think that that was possible, just because I don’t remember a time it ever felt this way.

I used to look forward to going to sleep because it was the only time I got any peace, rest, and silence from the growing shadow lurking inside me, and I guess a darker part of me wished I would never wake from those dreams, that eternal bliss of darkness. But now I look forward to dawn over the horizon, what life can bring, what new journey is awaiting, what interactions I will and won’t have, because that is what life is all about.

Because every day is a new chance at life, filled with possibilities, to continue this crazy journey, And I don’t need to follow the path to where I think my destiny wants me to go, because we don’t know our destiny, we don’t know our path, and that has been the hardest thing to accept. But none of us can know our destiny, and now I’ve understood it’s not a curse, but a blessing, because I can be whoever and whatever I want to be. What I choose to be.

Because destiny isn’t a fairytale, it isn’t fatalism nor the judgments of providence.

Destiny is hope.

It’s being full of hope, believing what is meant to happen will happen and whatever will be will be.

Destiny is the sea. And we are powerless to its currents. We cannot change its direction.

But we don’t have to go against it, we can embrace it, choose, to flow with it.

And I have made my decision.

Finish the Fight

I have charged into the abyss and have come out the other side. I have danced in the darkness. I have marched through the madness. And I’m still here, breathing, smiling. I’ve seen the darkest days, and I’ve seen the brightest stars, and they’ve shined through the worst. This world can be a good place, if enough people fight for it, and I’m always going to be one of them.

But even if I don’t make it, and these words reach empty hearts and minds, maybe no one is even reading and I’m just speaking into the void, maybe nothing really changes, so what? That’s OK too. Because I tried.

I didn’t give up, and I’m still going, trying to find the right way to bring change, because it will be worth it, and even if I don’t get to see it, so what? I know I did everything in my power to make my dream, the promise land a reality, because that dream is worth fighting for.

And even if we stumble, if we lose the faith in our fellow man, in our own humanity, if we fall into despair and hopelessness, so what? I will still work my damn hardest to bring us back with a fucking smile on my face. Because when did trying to do something good in this world ever be bad?

This journey is my own redemption, my renewal, and my awakening. To be a better, truer, and freer version of myself. A story of sadness and hope, evil and good, darkness and light, a story of humanity, a story of mankind.

But my story is not over, the saga continues. It doesn’t have to be the happy ending I always imagined, but it will be my ending. Because this is my story, and I choose how it ends. And this is my world, and I will always fight for it.

So here’s to that world we are walking towards together. We march on to the promise land, and some of us will fall, many of us have, but we charge on regardless, headlong into the unknown, but not into the darkness.

Because we are bringing the light with us, a flame so bright it will shine out the clearer. It will purify and cleanse the hearts and minds, and we will all shine like gold. So here is my prayer, my plea, my Call, to not give up, to come with me, to come with us, into uncertainty and difficulty, into the unknown, and make it ours.

The End of Part III

And there we have it, the end of this journey, but as you may have already guessed it is really only the beginning. One last thing I would like to say is I had to learn, but more importantly accept that the world can’t be changed in a day. And I can’t change it all with will and hope alone, so here I am, trying to make the change the only way I know how.

To make the change I want, I had to change myself first, I had to be good first, work on yourself, get better and then we can work together and help the world. You can’t even begin to help others when you yourself need help. Love yourself. Understand you can be better, you need to be better, and you deserve to be better.

And remember, with all your hardship, comes ease. The sun will set on each and every one of us, but we will all see it rise tomorrow. Only when it’s dark enough can we really see the stars. It’ll get easier, that’s the beautiful thing about this place, it puts you through trials all the time, but never gives you anything you can’t handle, because you can handle this, the greater your trial the greater your strength, the greater you’ll grow and the greater you’ll become. Because verily, with hardship comes ease.

Don’t let anyone bring you down for the beauty you give us and provide for the world. That’s unique to you, only you can show us that. And that I think is the most beautiful thing in this world, that is true perfection. Because you matter, you have value, you have beauty and light within you, you just need to find it and show the world.

Be patient, have faith, and trust the process, and more importantly trust and love yourself. You are in control of your own happiness, of your own future, your own journey. Own it. Be who you were born to be, walk the path that you want, and shine your light onto this world.

This is my message of hope. These words embody all my flaws and all my sins, but they are also my heart and soul. I hope they can offer what little solace they can, even if it’s a flickering ember in the chasm of darkness. I really do thank you for reading, you have no idea what this means to me, may God bless you. I truly mean it.

– Yours faithfully, a Friend